GO STUDY GO STUDY GO STUDY GO STUDY GO STUDY

I totally sounded determined and spurred on to study in my previous entry.

But as of now(which is like FOUR hours later), i have not touched a single shit at all omg kill and murder me in the most vicious way possible.

PLEASE GIVE ME ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT AND I REALLY NEED 5678954312890982 DISCIPLINE PILLS.

I think discipline is non-existent in my dictionary. I need to work on it, desperately.

Oh shit, ANTM's now wa piang so many distractions shit okay it's all in the mind so just try to eradicate all those thoughts and like go study nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I swear i need a revamp of the mind and so i shall like chant "Study study study you can do it!" 7689504036546452378970647334854007 times from now onwards.

If you see me talking to myself, just let me be. And please slap me if i'm found distracting/being distracted by fellow Pioneers in school.

Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Let's soar and show them what you've got.

I totally crashed in school today like my classmates commented how dead/hallucinate i looked.

Died during math tutorial. I think i even drool on my table oh ma gawdzzz.

Slept during econs tutorial cos Miss Wong thought i was sick and stef went like, ''Yeah, ibro's sick, he's not feeling well!" and Miss Wong really believed it and allowed me to sleep during her tutorial. Thanks stef! :D

Anyway, it's not cool to like sleep only for a few hours cos you went out and had fun and totally let time pass by as the world slowly revolves, appreciating every moment of pleasure AND NOT STUDYING when you really should cos an extremely major exam is approaching.

And the feeling gets worse cos you know that the rest are pulling up their socks to the maximum level and are mugging to their peak.

But you're not.

Fuck, i should stop being complacent with regards to mid year's grades. Who cares if you did well among the whole cohort in school exams?

That in itself, doesn't even guarantee your distinctions.

It's the As that matter you moron, you apathetic fool. Look at the big picture.

And so, i shall shut up and mug today, now now now.

NERD IS THE NEW HOT.

sometimes
the frequency of the world stops
and you're stuck

lost in your own space
in your own light

entities surround you
and the mirror's unclear

obscured, smeared
masked

you get clueless
confused, astray

stop running in circles

just



let go

Full moon sways.

Hello world i'm zonked out.

Just came back a while ago from town to accompany my sis cos she wanna change the colour of her Coach bag and we went for supper at Lau Pa Sat which was good but i'm super bloated i couldn't walk and i totally slept inside the cab like ttm and i did not do a single work today rah.

And i feel fat after eating so much so i shall be nice to my body and go work out tmr and swim on friday okay set!

I'm sleepy ttm i can like crash any minute but i have PQ to do and deadline's tmr omg but i don't think i'll finish it and i think it's damn weird to blow your own trumpet like "A lively and confident young man, Ibrohim was an intelligent student who was capable of excelling academically". Vomit blood times infinity.

And i told greg to entertain me by telling me jokes to keep me awake and he did and they are funny and he cracks me up cos i think racist jokes are funnayee.

Omg this post is so not exciting but i'm so excited for tomorrow NOT i didn't do any work omg and it's like 91(or is it 90) days to A levels whoa good game ah.

Okay BYE.

Oh shit shit shit.

I HAVE NO TIME LEFT OMG PANIC MODE TTM.

I've got no excuse.

Okay i just deleted an entry cos it's angsty and what i needed was just a platform to voice them out, and it doesn't necessarily have to be published.

Hard times don't come until tomorrow
These eyes don't see
Take your skin off when you listen to me
Move away

Would you like to be my sandbag for me to vent my frustrations at?

Would you like to play second fiddle to my emotions and pander to my whines and desires?

Life's greatest realisations- You always want what you can never have.

I need to be much more diligent, at least for the next four months.

Actually, it really wonders me. Like how geniuses those kids from top jcs can be but still, they mug like there's no tomorrow. But, we don't study as hard even though it's blatantly obvious that we're not as smart.

I guess it all boils down to how much we all want something out of life. How much we really want to achieve our dreams, our goals and ambitions.

And i crumble upon this very fact, because at 18, i'm still clueless. I'm still floating on an unsteady terrain, wandering aimlessly.

Psychologist; a job that i promulgate to everyone, the one that i'll venture into in the future, doesn't really appeal to me anymore.

Then what?

I don't know.

It's not doing me justice either because i don't feel inspired to really bury myself in those books. And i'm the kind that needs something to push and propel me forward or else, i'll remain stagnant.

I need to get it clearly sorted out before it's too late and the dark clouds lay above.

On a lighter note, I remembered Miss Wong's exact words which went the lines of 'You don't really have to worry about what you wanna be because with a good A level certificate, you can do anything that you want. "

How apt. And idealistic.

The latter's not cool at all.

Random ttm.

I'm tired as hell.

CIP today was really really great love love the kids and facilitators like shawn and mirabel. And it really lightens up my day that mirabel, who was my facilitator for a camp i attended years ago totally remembered me and recalled the great times we spent like how she used to call me brobrobrobrobrobro. :D

And i'm at a gig/concert at rp now and i'm like in this cafe, blogging cos the field is bad and so my shoe is dirty and i hate it and so i decided to be a loser and rot in a cafe to surf!

They had like a mosh and there was this guy that had to be brought out of the scene by four security guards wth.

Anyhoo the bands that i watched just now were awesome awesome awesome like one of the lead singer is damn cute oh my gawd. The songs they played were totally my style and their genre is totally my genre yayness i bet jack would love them if he's here too!

I have a new-found respect for the local music scene. They're totally cool and all, support them man.

Okay this serve as an inspiration for me to create new songs :D I totally think i have a musical talent cos like the two songs that i composed and wrote received good responses HAHAHA stop rolling your eyes :D

But i still think contemp dance is the best, though :D

And sal and her bf are like lovey-dovey now hahaha totally PDA please.

Anyhoo electrico performed just now too and as much as i know how good they are, they're not really my style.

Oh shit my favourite band is performing now okay okay shall run over the singer is cuteeeeeeeeeee

SOS.

I watch as everyone around me get all geared up and ready to charge full speed ahead, yet my accelerators aren't even close to getting warmed up.

It's such a pity that i'm still forsaking homeworks for telly and blogging omg okay it shall stop now and this is my last entry of the year.

Tsktsk, who am i kidding?

I should stop stop stop thinking there's time and there's still tomorrow tomorrow and tomorrow because there's no no no time and tomorrow(s).

stormy waves,
shattered glasses,
subdued distress,

they won't be here long
gone before the dawn

so embrace the door
with opened eyes, truly
and a key

then,
sprint

THERE'S NO TIME LEFT.

With eyes closed.

There's no way an intended private blog remains private for long because the internet is so pervasive; it robs you of your personal freedom and space with an invincible power.

Then i'll guess i'll just have to make do with it. Somehow or another.

A friend told me how my blog sounds melancholic and dispirited. I can't help but agree.

I'm only eighteen and i should have a rocking life. But i get so suppressed by hopes and expectations, i don't dare to venture and explore what's ahead.

I'm just too afraid to fail. Do you feel the same way too?

I'll probably be having an awesome life two years back, but i'm reclused in this confined shell now, wanting to be free but there's.just.no.way.out.

And i realised how small we are compared to whats beyond, whats out there. We're like pawns in a game, having to repress desires to fit into social norms, having to succumb to the life's mundane activities when there is actually so much more out there.

I'm terribly fearful of regret. I don't want to have my mind filled up with thoughts of how i should have done this and shouldn't have done that at the very last minute.

Someone once asked, a stranger perhaps, whether choosing between a life -glorious, rich but fleeting- would be miles better than choosing a life- monotonous, simple, yet extending for many years and beyond.

I would have definitely chosen the first one back then.

But twists in life leave me thinking that perhaps the smallest joys on earth come from experiencing the littlest things. The way you view the world depends on colored visions you put up; the way you love, the food you taste, the smells you take in -

Don't you often wonder where they all go to?

Those angels and demons from your dreams. The ghost whisperers and creatures of the night. Do souls simply just disappear like the wind? Or are we carried away by martians from outer space.

Given a life, why waste it?

I'm enlightened with a series of happy and grieving moments which causes me to think before I act in whatever i do.

In other words i'm just afraid of dying. Aren't you?

For a reason.

Omg FOURTH entry for the day and i'm totally a winner cos there's tonnes of homeworks to do and i swear i haven't even done a single one!

Anyway i really feel like posting what i commented yuan regarding his entry(see my previous entry). Here it is :

"hey yuan, what you just wrote is soooooooo true, in fact it was an inspiration for my entry! anyway i guess we all should take control over our actions, and not let other things control us.

it's really easier said than done cos sometimes, those negative externalities are just too influential or rather, we can't help but get swayed by them.

that's when your true identity will thrive, when your originality shows its worth. like you know yourself best and no one, no one can take away what's rightfully yours and only yours.

like the brimming confidence you shine for others to see.

i can really relate to this quote cos i'm a victim of it for like many many times. and it's painful, i get hurt, wounded and sometimes the pain still lingers on.

like how i wish i can just turn back time and grab it, take it, devour it and not just simply let it pass away like it did.

these regrets which i quell is still buried within, deep down in the crevices of my heart. hopefully healed, with the power of time.

so i hope you and everyone else will make the best of chances and never let it go, just like what i'm trying to every single day; to appreciate it, to treasure it, to seize it, to grasp it every single time it presents itself.

cos it's there for a reason, it's for you."

I don't know why but it sounds really sad ):

Grab them before they're gone.

Sometimes my entries are just based on special events or innate emotions, just waiting to be released.

Other times, i get my inspiration to write an entry from friends' blogs or quotes like if i think what they wrote is so true, i'll reflect and give my own interpretation of it.

I was reading yuan's blog and he wrote this, 'We think too much before doing something and lost it.'

The first reaction i had after reading this entry was 'omg TRUE'.

Sooooo true.

Sometimes we get too bothered about the results and consequences inflicted on others, we get lost.

We get bogged down by them.

We shudder. We recoil in our own fears and horrors.

We don't talk, silence takes control. We worry about this, that, everything.

We run away. Far far away from doing that very thing.

And before our very own eyes, they disappear.

Subtly, without a trace nor a sign.

Just.. gone.

We live to think.

I was reading leah's blog and she was writing about decisions and it got me thinking.

Everyone has to make decisions during their journey of life and we've realised that the repercussions of a particular decision will definitely make a difference, regardless of the extent of the situation.

If that's the case, we'd certainly want to make the best decisions one can ever make. But who can ever justify or decide what is best for ourselves?

Our experience? Our moral compass? Our intuition? Our surroundings? Our family? Our friends? The society? The world?

Doing the right thing as opposed to doing the thing right - how do you choose?

How do people ever make holistic decisions without ever completely knowing the whole scheme of things?

How blind faith sometimes pays off - do you even believe in faith?

Do you trust?

When do you know that a decision you make will pay off and not be something you'll regret everyday of your life?

How do you know that you really know?

Why do people judge? Do they feel superior because they are under the deluded impression that they're better?

Why do people feel the urge to put others down/stick labels on them to elevate themselves?

Why do first impressions count so much?

How do people even create first impressions anyhow?

How many people are ready to admit that they were wrong and will want to rebuild from scratch their opinion of you?

Or do they just leave you alone and continue doing mistakes to others?

Why are people so afraid to admit they were wrong?

Why can't we just let live and let live?

One train of thoughts just runs headlong into another. This is why i believe that to think is to explore the deepest intricacies of thoughts.

Full-stops are non-existent but frustration is rife.

Like you raise more and more questions but derive nothing and exasperation because the answers are generic and not what you want.

That's when you know God is the only one to provide you with all of the answers, and He knows what's best for you.

Have faith in Him because he'll definitely lead you the way.

To the right path.

An account.

I'M BURNT!

Yes, with reddish skins and an ugly shade of brown. Oh ma gawdzzz you guys know how i much hated my skin colour cos i think it's disgusting right?

It's even more disgusting now.

Sigh, how i wish i can be as fair as michael jackson without having to go through what he did.

Anyway, ming, stef, jovan, jack, law and i did CIP yesterday! Jack and I had to guard the carparks and even though it sounds easy, it's not okay!

Like there are bound to be people who ask unnecessary questions and those who gave unclear answers which hence, caused some disruption.

AND IT WAS ALL UNDRER THE HOT, SWELTERING SUN WHEN IT'S AT ITS PEAK so you can imagine the trauma jack and i had to go through but i guess it's all worth it :D

Dinner at Pastamania after that was funnaye. There was this part when i asked jack to tickle my hand so that i'll laugh and they burst into loud laughters cos apparently, my face expression was damn funny HAHAHA and jack had a laughing fit like he couldn't stop laughing at all omg what a joke.

And we went to arcade after that and jovan played Para Para the dance thing oh ma gawdzzzzzzz. Damn funny pls and he had a new talent discovered cos he's really good in that HAHA. And stef played it too and her face expression was beyond descriptions haha you should have seen the video jack and law recorded!

It was really a fun bonding session yesterday, looking forward to more of such outings! :D

When it's cold outside.

School's such a drag.

Sometimes i wonder if i'm very cynical by nature, but doesn't that mean i'm at least aware of the negative ramifications of situations, which will not make me plunge into a well of self-denial or delusion?

Okay a random survey!

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you. (no, i don't think i'm friendly to everybody. but i'm very friendly and open if you are!)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. (true) Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you've found that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. (yes i agree i'm straightforward but it's not really a positive thing all the time)

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy. (yes, this two sentences are true. but the first actually brings me down cos my goals tend to deviate and waver frequently)

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. (yes, i'm very afraid of failure. aren't you?)

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. (sigh, very true) This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. (v exaggerated) It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear. (oh c'mon, this is easier said than done)

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. (yes, it is v erratic) You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

I miss the waves. Those waves crashing on the shores, with such vigour and force, yet subtle and innocent. Mysteriously haunting, silently calling out.

looking around

heads turned
yet faceless

Those moments.

I was v v v pissed a while ago but Corrinne May's 'On The Side Of Me' is so therapeutic, it calmed my nerves down hurhur.

I'm so wide awake i can like go swim 20 laps nowwwww cos i slept in the afternoon for like a couple of hours. It wasn't a good sleep though.

Okay, i want to rant and since a blog is such a perfect platform to voice out the inherent feelings, i'll do just that.

I'm A and that person's B.

A : Omg i'm happy! (inserts smiley)

B : Huh why?

A : Haha nothing la, just happy....

B: Say omg what!

A : Oh in my school, they have this banding thing for chemistry. Like people with the same grades will flock to the same lecture kinda thing. So, we're all like segregated according to our mid year chem grade and all.

B : Woo okay, so which group are you in?

A : Huh hmmmmm, ah the first group.

B : Huh? First group? Wth is 'first' group? 'First' has so many meanings!

A : Err the group with the best range of grades? Anyway, they're like the cream of the crop so i'm probably the stupidest so no big deal la.

B: (sneered sarcastically) ------> okay maybe i read too much into it cos i'm v v sensitive over such issues.

A : (quite pissed) Whatever pls, there's only 2 people in my class who made it to that lecture group okay.

B: Well, you must still strive. (sounded condescendingly)

I'm not sure if the typed out convo sounds not-that-bad-actually but in reality, it felt like a slap in the face with a deflated minute bubble and a bruised infinitesimal ego.

And i'm not trying to brag whatsoever and if you think i am, then you just don't know me well enough.

Fuck you times infinity for making me feel like the stupidest person on earth. I don't need big praises cos i don't give a shit about that.

Just a simple 'well done' would suffice seriously, to make me feel a teeny weeny better of myself but i guess that might cost like $345678543654356785943 million dollars.

How the fuck can people be so discouraging oh ma gawdz, maybe they are traumatised due to some great ordeal in their life to the point of suicidal and there's like no light at the end of the tunnel.

Not even a glimmer of hope.







Totally.

Chapter by chapter.

"Change is a funny thing. We never are quite sure what we are becoming or even why. Then one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got that way. Only one thing about change remains constant...it is always painful."

I suppose the only thing which is painful, is the fact that we became so comfortable with who we've become, that we find it hard to accept change, and become someone who we can be, when in fact that whole time, we thought who we were, was the only person we are.

---

Wow, time flies. It's the 15th today. Fifteenth. I'm not sure when's prelims and the big As nor do i want to know. This apathy is just ...... eating me up.

So much've happened. So, let's just keep it under wraps? Like what's the point of erupting everything cos nothing's gonna change? Nothing.

Nothing.

Because, I'm a pessimist.

---

I can't write gp essays cos apparently, they were commented that it's either too superficial or idealistic. Sigh, i gotta find balance and adopt a new perspective of issues at hand.

I've not been studying religiously since mids were over. I want to dance and compose/write more songs; i just finished another song and ming thinks that my songs are not bad :D

Time's running out and you're supposed to feel breathless during this period but i guess it's not locked into the system as of now. Tomorrow, please? Pretty please. Please, i beg of you.

---

I love conversations which last for hours but it really didn't feel that it stretched that long.

Like i talked to leah for like 3 hours plus by the pool at her place and it really felt short. Going to swim with her tmr! :D

And long conversations with ming, especially that day when we were talking about things related to friendships.

She's such a rare jewel i swear, and i know, i really know that she's one who will really stay come whatever. You've made such a great impact in my life, and i'm sure i did to yours too. Hahaha.

Our exchange of 'love you bestie' everytime we part makes me feel that i'm not alone in this battle, and please be assured you're not too cos i'm always by your side if you need me :D

---

I only know now of life that plays us like puppets, strangled by the string around our necks so we choke on every attempt to make it someplace safe.

This is control staring at me in my own helplessness. And I finally know what optimism is for but I don't feel much like anything tonight.

---

Anyway i really don't like this whole thing of "Omg you're so fake and i hate you and we're never even friends to start with(behind your back kinda thing) but appear nice(okay relatively colder than before)".

Disgusting, isn't it?

Oh come on, don't even try to be bitchy or somewhere along that line cos i have so much more bitchier and sluttier friends who are so much cooler than you so don't even start embarrassing yourself thank you a million :D

---

So people come and go. Some go after making a difference in your life while others just slip through your fingers and soon you forget about them.

Sometimes forgiving is remembering. I don't know what you're carrying around or how long you've been carrying it around.

But as we journey through life, we get hurt and we get wounded, we end up carrying this debts that people owe us.

It's like we carry them with us wherever we go and after a while these bags get heavy don't they?

And they can end up making the journey exhausting.

So may you forgive as you've been forgiven. May you give to others what has been given to you. May you set someone free and find out that it was you.

And may you do it today because you might not have a chance tomorrow.

The richness of life.

Tennis was awesome today so cheers for that! Like leah has improved and the game was good, fantabulous ttm i foresee many many great games ahead!

I worked out after that!! Great feeling man, like it's been quite a while yooooo.

Okay i shall be a swimming enthusiast and go swim again tomorrow HAHA. Anyway i got the time to spare and like i'm only meeting the sluts for partying at like 9 so i can like swim the whole afternoon away :D

Anyway i think simple pleasures in life make everything more worthwhile.

Like really really basic things like a short telly session with my mum and it made my day.

And, i was reading some story books to my cute nephew and nieces and they're damn adorable although mischievous but the latter is justifiable cos they're only kids!

Yes, these events, though sporadic, do make me realise that happiness can really be derived from the little-st of things. Like you don't have to go to great lengths to find or scour for it.

It's been there all along.

Rants and whatnot.

Le sigh i think i've lost the drive and motivation to do everything and anything.

Went swimming yesterday and realised that my stamina sucks real bad now, and apparently, most of the swimmers ytd were damn fast i don't know why and i had no drive to compete ):

And i guess my speed is slower tooooo oh man this is sucky )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

And so, with intense feelings of discouragement, i merely swam for 6 laps which is like the least number laps like since forever cos the least number of laps i've been doing all these years is 10 omg this is baddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ah fuck.

Dropped by the library for a while after that to read this book that April recommended but i couldn't find it and so read another book by the same author and found it quite boring actually oh shit i feel discouraged like how can my speed be so much slower okay maybe it's my fault cos i haven't been swimming for eons or maybe they're just damn good ah this is incongrous but i'm really pissed omg i used to excel in swimming rahhhh

Omg breathe in breathe out it's only swimming but then again, i hold swimming v v v close to my heart okay this sentence sounds wrong okay whatever.

Went to eat dinner with chris, matt and brandon at New York New York after that which was rlly rlly good cos they're awesome and the talks we had were intellectual HAHA.

Okay tennis tmr and there's not enough days to like meet up with people which i'm bent on meeting rah 6 days are not enough!

OH AND I'M DAMN PISSED TOO COS THE LACOSTE SLIPPERS WHICH IS JUST BOUGHT IS LIKE NOT AS CHIO ANYMORE.

Cos a bit of the wordings are like scraped off $%^&**&^%$%^& DAMN SAD and i don't know why it may have been due to the locker at the swimming complex which is small and so i had to like force my stuffs in ):

And it's only TWO days old omg my heart breaks when i see it. HAHA but luckily it's like on the behind of the slippers so it cant really be seen but i love it when ppl stare at it cos it's like nice and unique HAHAHA.

Sorry, himbotic moments.

Sigh i guess the belief everyone has that i don't take care of my things is disgustingly true.

Okay i'm off to catch a movie oh shit i did not lift weights today!!!

It'll linger on.

Yaypedoo mids are over manzzzzzzzzz, it's time to partayeeeeee!

Anyhoo, the bummer part is the fact that after mids, it's gonna be a crazyass period cos As will be nearer and nearer and nearer...

Anyway forget about that for the moment and let's rejoice kids!

Heee anyhoo i've learnt to never everrrrrr think that you know(and so, you did not revise that part) cos you'll prolly end up forgetting it(seriously) hahaha happened quite a number of times already ):

AND MUST ALWAYS TRY AND NEVER EVERRRRRRRR GIVE UP COS SOMETIMES MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. Like i was really really really unsure of the vector qn and while i was doing(thought of not doing actually), i was like '"Ah whatever pls i'm so gonna get this freaking question wrong and let 7 marks fly to Mauritius or something, aiya just do anyhow whatever la seriously".

But thankfully, i can show the position vector just as what need to be shown(it's a show-type of question) and i was like 'huh what i can't believe it. omg you kidding me!' :D and i profusely thanked God (:

Lunch with ming and stef ytd was good, hilarious and louddd. And, i got myself a pair of Lacoste slippers, which i think was a really great buy(courtesy of ming) :D

Okay things to do during this one week stint(cos i have no school yes!) ;

1) WORK OUT (my body = fat and ugly and disgusting)
2) More facial masks pls (face = ugly and disgusting and pimple-fied)
3) Meet up with nicole lim i miss that slut.
4) Meet up with maria, cherre and liwen. (miss those sluts too, party party)
5) Meet up with brandon, chris and matt.
6) Meet up with shikin and irman. (wah we pro donkey years already la)
7) Meet up with sal. (miss you yooooooo)
8) SWIMMING PLS. (must must must, most prolly later though)
9) Leah when's tennis!
10) I want to bake cookies and cupcakes and muffins. (eh jerm i promise and swear i'll bake and lend many many helping hands)
11) Meet up with ming to get prezzies!
12) Meet up with keline and atiqah (it's been long, bitches)
13) Finish up the two books which i borrowed from the library like a few days ago.
14) DANCE.

Okay that's it.

I don't know what to do, shall go do an online IQ test now HAHA.