it's the science of the soul.

running around in circles
back on the same spot

to be left stranded in your own insecurites, that fatal cocoon. that deadly shell.

is that worth it?

you either get it or you don't.

i'm running,
but i'm not moving.

finding solace.

the lights wailed,
with ferocious intensity.

but i don't see a thing,
i'm blinded.

where am i?

with love.

i love how God works his way for us in a subtle yet prominent way. it's really surprising sometimes cos you don't really realise it but upon scrutiny, it'll be like - hey, that's really amazing!

i know He's always looking out for me, and certainly wants the best for me. i don't really have doubts about His plans for me, cos i have faith that it'll all be good.

i just wanna thank You for everything.

need a BREAK.

i feel like crashing down and die.

omg howwwwwwwwwwwww? i'm freaking out and all jittery about it cos i'm barely done. history is taking up a whole load shitass of my time. stayed up till 4am to do my own simplified notes which is still hard to fathom. ah ya shit la die la.

and it doesn't help that after going through an intense hardcore mugging session for history, i'm still not done. and, a migraine now certainly doesn't help.

the content is just toooooooo overwhelming i tell you. i want to just give up and dieeeeeeeeeeee of exhaustion.

but i shall press on. for God's sake, my parent's sake, for those whom i love.

i shall mutter a prayer and continue studying.

out of the sea
into the shadow

aiyo die lo.

hiakhiak i like this picture, need skills one okay(that's why it's displayed on your right :D). anyway i think i jumped quite high haha. tsktsk an aspiring contemporary dancer(in the making) sheesh. aiyo why am i posting in such an informal wayyyy? tsk.

okay the title says it all.

die lo. was online from like 4 plus till nowww. haven't read historyy man. cool cool. this is damn cool.

had too much fun. hardcore mugging session damn soon damn soon i really mean soon like soon soon get me like really really soon okay you got it.

i really don't know how i should study history i really don't know i really really don't know.

and i wonder why there is a sudden emergence of zits like i don't feel stressed lo tsktsk and i do clean my face okay. no actually it's not that bad tsktsk. oh and this is so wrong cos i'm supposed to feel stressed up and i surprisingly don't.

jermaine told me something very true. - i run away from reality.

and i think at this rate i'm going, this is the fastest sprint ever.

Show and tell.

i'm such a sucker and i feel stupid cos i can't seem to post pictures in between paragraphs! the pictures are like automatically positioned at the top of the entry even though i didn't want it to be eh why like that oneeeee

ANYWAYYYYYYY

i love the pictureeeee above lotz lotzzzzzzzzzz (cos apparently i look buff it must have been the lightings la tsk, but i really wanna look buff and have a hot boddddd give me a few years!)

went out with jermaine the other day to town! ((: i'm feeling lethargic and i wanna sleep but i know i can't so pardon the short entry regarding the meetup albeit the extreme fun we had.
she totally rock the world cos she basically wrote an entry from a to z so if you're interested, do click here.

p/s : anyway jerm, i love you too mann. the team talk was great great great. more such talks soon yes? i guess after the longggggg quarrel, we've became closer and that's certainly a blessing in disguise. don't take the criticisms to heart cos you know i meant well too yeah! i believe in this friendship, that it will last till the end of time. thanks for always being there! love you loads, huggs. (:

am damn screwed todayyyy cos the mood to study is non-existent, literally. and there's a whole load of revision for math chem and econs omg screw my life now. this intense mood of laziness must stop, a new level of discipline must be attained. failure to do so would result in trauma and despair.

on another note altogether. yesterday was intense history cramming session, memorised 4 25marks essays. brain cells are fried. i am going to die. but reading up of 'global economy' just now seemed interesting. no sarcasm intended.

i need inspirations. anyone?

life would be so much cooler for now if there was no internet, no teevees, no town, no cameras, no great singapore sale, yada yada yada and no source of distractions(only for this year). then the probability of scoring As would be like quadrupled. or tenfolded.

omg i think i'm tanner now(or so they say). eh those sunblocks don't work mehhhhhh? maybe spf 45 is not good enough? yeah think so ): i'm engrossed in swimming and tennis and bottles of sunblock haha. but my passion for the abovementioned sports shall overcome all hiakhiak like real onlyyy

there's fashion forward later yayness. but gotta read up UN and memorise end of cold war(!!). or die tmr.

Holler.

I WANT TO PLAY TENNIS TOMORROWWWWW I DON'T CARE IF I'M GETTING TANNER COS TENNIS ROCKS SOCKSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

i Lubzxzx teNniZZZZZ.

A note to You.

Dear God,

I've prayed to You, for guidance and to give me the strength to make wise decisions. Now, i've done my part(albeit the torture) and i'll now leave it all to You. Thanks for the immense courage You've given me. It was not easy and who said it was? I admit it was one of the most valiant yet hardest decision yet. You know how tough it was for me to make up my mind but my final decision was eventually cast with no regrets. You made this whole load easier and i really really thank You.

love,
Your humble servant

joke AH.

Yes, i'm living in self-denial. Like wtf how can i not be affected right? But whatever la seriously.

It's kinda baffling how things can go unexpectedly right/wrong at the most unexpected time. Geez, guess that's how life works. C'mon, i'm gonna be 18. I'm hell ready for anything!(but only 18 leh, aiya)

It's so therapeutic playing the guitar with random chords which surprisingly sound good with sporadic lyrics. Heehaw, new discovery or rather a way of self-escape into the world of delusion ):

Geez, focus focus focus midterms are coming. Aiya i feel so burden-ised no such word i know but you get my point.

It'll be a better day!

breathe in
breathe out
and run

Embrace it.

I have to tell myself constantly i'm not affected no no i'm not living in self-denial.

The voices in my head.

I don't know why i'm feeling this way when i know i shouldn't but i just can't get it off my system damnit!

I feel like !@^&*^^&*frsdgionvfriov. Crap times infinity.

I need a good sleep.

Looking past the shadows.

Chemistry SPA is over and i'm so freaking damn glad that it's all over and done with. No more chem experiments for the rest of my lifeeee yaypedoo(provided i don't take chem in uni which is 99.9% positive).

I'm going to SIA Training Centre for my sis's graduation tmr and i want seeee how beautiful her batchmates are tsktsk. And, she's dancing omg i never see her dance before leh how exciting right.

Actually, i don't really know what to say cos my mind's in a whirl.

I feel like reading but i don't have the time to spare. I don't really like Newsweek cos it's a tad too informative and confuzzling(it's more to my inherent laziness to think heh). But, mid years and As are coming and i gotta set my priorities right.

Must study must study must study gotta prove my self-worth i don't want to plunge into an abyss of self-hate and regrets not cool not cool.

Aiya sian ah.

If anything bad happens, i'll just be a dancer or a professional tennis player(have i told you how much i loveeeee tennis).

Whatever shall be, shall be LAH.

don't feel good
too much too much

Smelling the redwood trees.

I'm euphoric.

Yesterday was so so good, all those fears and insecurities evaporated within like half an hour or even lesser? THAT is a feat i tell you.

My jap you-know-who is damn damn cute oh wow i can't believe i got myself such a great deal. Like how i envisioned myself being super quiet and reserved but it turned out otherwise omg this is phenomenal. And how sweet and chatty and cute, omg i want this to last forever.

God, i thank You. with all my heart and soul.

Cis sometimes when you least expect it, things became a whole load better yes? I'm contented, satisfied and i want nothing more.

On another note altogether, my sis just came back from beijing like around 8 plus and she woke me up tsktsk i'm sleepy now cos i slept for barely 6 hours? I'm gonna sleep like a log laterzzzz.

I've just completed 'A Man named Dave' by Dave Pelzer and omg if you're free and you have the time to spare, please read it. I swear it's one of the best books ever.

It left me in a state of inexplicable happiness, one that boasts of victory and warmth. When i was reading it, i had this fuzzy feeling and goosebumps i swear. The obstacles that he went through were incredibly true and just too, too hard to imagine. But really, the way he writes is just so raw with an essence of serenity. He was never, never a quitter even though everything was just too tough to swallow.

Dave Pelzer's my new-found hero.

take a deep breath
hold it
and never forget

never forget this moment

And i find it there in your heart.

I just came back from shopping with my sis a while ago and i'm knackered and am sooooooooo dead cos i haven't done a single work like chem prac skill A which is the most nonsensical shitzzzz ever.

I'm damn sleepy and there's math lecture at 8 am tmr = will doze off for sure. (but no, i don't hate math.)

I think i've gained muscle mass heehawww but then again, it's not enough and i must work out more! And, it's tiring and boring i tell you like can you imagine doing like a million repetitions zzz.

HAHA my paragraphs are super disjointed thank you very much my eyes weigh a tonne now.

The night before was a whole load of drama-mama moments. I had a terrible argument with X and i swear it was so bad that i was distraught to a point where i couldn't concentrate on whatever i was doing. But, i'm glad it's all good now.

Sometimes when it was so close to losing someone, it'll only be then that you'll learn to appreciate that person more. And somehow, there'll be a blessing in disguise.

Like how i've realised that i actually love my jap you-know-who.

We've been down that road before.

It's gonna be 2 am and goodness gracious, time flies so fast!

The way my body works is irritating. I wasn't that tired actually, but i took a short nap hoping to wake up like after an hour or so. But, i couldn't hear the alarm(although it can really annoy you fyi) and slept for like 4 and a half hours! And, i'm so freaking awake i bet i'll still doze off during chem lecture tmr because i'll still be sleepy nevertheless.

But that's not the point.

I think i'm living my jc life in vain. Although i've made very very good friends whom i'll really treasure, it was still an unfulfilled journey i think. I regret not joining any cca which i like or am really into in pj(not that there is even any significant one to start of with). I guess you'll win some, you'll certainly lose some.

Volleyball was such a fluke like i'm sure i played quite okay but the freaking senior was stupidly biased and didn't even look at the way paul and i played. wtf? It's not that she's superbly good either okay i'm disgusted.

I remembered paul and i went for tennis tryouts/trials. But we're such suckers we backed out after looking at the others who went too cos apparently they played well. Freak, i'm miffed at the fact that we didn't even try! ohmygod. why didn't i try at the very least! fff.

If only there's swimming i tell you i'll be the first on the list for trials!!!

I better get into swimminggg in uni or i'll just regret my whole life seriously.

Sigh, how i wish i didn't allow any fear or nervousness to control the decisions i made. Guess it's too lateeeeeeeee grr just concentrate on doing CIP geeeez. I think helping out at SPCA would be cool heehaw.

I've realised. Sometimes, when you've tried your hardest, the things that you want are still out of reach. Your hardest try is still not enough.

And, that's when life is a total bitch.

it's gonna be THREE AM.

I'm the epitome of laziness and stupid excuses.

I hate it how uninspired i can be. I've realised that without inspiration, i can't do many things. It's like this strong prominent force controlling everything that i do. But upon scrutiny, with the apparently formidable education system that we have, who cares about anything else other than your grades huh huh huh?

No inspiration? Don't want study? Simple : You suffer.

And that's the woebegone, inexorable part. There's more to life than simply As(and Bs!) man.

But i guess it's all about how much you really want it. I realised that if it's something within my scope of interests(like swimming, modelling), i'll give allllllll i can no matter what it takes. But when it comes to studying, my lackadaisical attitude is just overwhelming. It has to stop, like seriously. It's like i know how much i really want this, but i'm not putting words into action. I have to do something about it. God, with Your help? Definitely.

I did not do a single work today damnit shitshit, wasted so much time on finding blogskins but ended up with nothing. Anyway, i think this girl is awesome. I.must.stop.youtubing.this.is.suicidal.



It's gonna be three am and i'm still wide awake without any work done i feel like a primary school kid who is enjoying life like there's no tmr ttm.

Shit i must stop feeling insecure already it's grossing me out like i just go wahhhhhh at all those hot people with looks AND brains AND body AND bucks AND an interesting social life like everything's so perfect but who are you kidding they must be lacking something right!

God is fair, in any way that He wants it to be.

Maybe, i just have to come to terms with whatever's happening. There's no point in feeling unworthy or lousy or whatever related because this whole cycle is never-ending. Unless, you decide to eradicate that perception or mentality, it'll always bog you down. It's definitely Man's innate trait to think enough is never enough. But, to be contented is another issue altogether. It's blatantly obvious that we're grappling with this, but i really hope that one day, i'll wake up with a smile that glows and speaks of pure satisfaction with everything that i have.

You know, i thank God for today especially(and everyday obviously). Even though it has been so unproductive and banal, i've pulled a good friend back to my shore. I've realised that there's no point bearing grudges because it just shows how immatured you are. We're blossoming into charming adults and with that, there's no room to be petty.

Wednesday with my Jap you-know-who at town! Kinda nervous but pretty excited actually. Hope it'll be good!

cos you know
you're all that i need

Our love story.

Geez. I look like an extremely excited blogger who posted 2 entries consecutively within an hour just after creating a blog.





This song is irritatingly good, God knows how many re-runs of it i've listened to.

Anyhooooo, this post is for Jermaine Errrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Cheer up babe! I'm sure God has better plans for you. And, there are so many other fishes in the pond yes? I'm sure down the road, there'll be a better man whom you deserve, a guy who'll love you unconditionally and deeply. It's just a matter of time before you embark on that period of life. As for now, take it as a learning journey and something that'll enrich you yeah. I'm here for you. (:

P/s : I'm vv glad that we're on talking terms yo. It's been long, very long in fact. I miss you babe. Meet up soon! I got 100000000001 things to say(i know you have 200000000001 to tell me HAHA) .

Shit. I've yet to complete my chem prac, chem tys & nitrogen compounds. And, there's econs and chem test and i've barely touched. Oh, the perils of procrastination.

Damn.

A new breath.

You know?

I miss those times when my mind was free, when i could simply pen thoughts full of hope and surprises. But, i feel so jaded now and my mind's in a mess. It seems complicated but then again, i know(yes, i know) that things aren't that bad afterall. I have to stop being pessimistic and look out for the greener pastures of life. Lead me the way.

And i hate it how my mind works. It's stressing me out.

I have to stop listening to sappy music and melancholic melodies. I feel like a train wreck.

And now, back to life.

School's a drag. Everything's becoming tougher yes?

It's just not Me to shirk away from responsibilities but it's happening. Something's not right.

Tell me, when was life fair?